Long time no see, blog, it's been a busy week. I've been very busy standing around in statuesque poses and winking seductively at passing women. And playing video games all weekend. I got lots of sleep, too. I've been reading "The Color of Magic" by Terry Pratchett. My writing skills are very rusty, and it's hard for me to write well anymore. Maybe I should get more practice. This semester is hard, all of my classes are very difficult. I want a break. Fortunately, Thanksgiving is right around the corner.
I had a dream last night. I was visiting a friend of mine. I've never met her in person before, but apparently my roomates and I were in the area and visited her. Apparently she has a pool in her dorm. Anyway, I think that something terrible happened then the five of us went and solved global warming or world hunger or something. It was a pretty cracked out dream.
My life is pretty busy, as I may have mentioned earlier. I have tons of stuff to do, but I sit around play video games instead. I think that since my homework is really really hard, it's easier for me to put it off than risk failure. But the upside of course is that I get to play video games. Isn't life great?
Stay cool, homies.
P.S. My roomates still hate me. Doc told his mom that I wanted to beat her up. Seriously, what did I ever do to him?
Monday, November 14, 2005
Monday, November 07, 2005
Penislessness, height jokes, and my favorite roomates
Welcome to my life. Sorry. Today, my roomates continued their attacks on me. It started as any normal day. I woke up at 8:00 AM and realized how much my life sucked. From there I laid in bed and wallowed for a good 30 minutes moaning and mentally complaining about the pitiful excuse for an existance I maintain. Then I woke up and had to confront that which I had been dreading all morning - looking at my roomates. Honestly, I have never met a group of more ugly human beings, both physically and emotionally. I swear, I see them go into the shower, I hear the water running, but I honestly think they have no idea what soap or shampoo is. The smell is enough to ruin my day before it even starts. So now I'm tired, angry, and much smellier. Thank god I finally get to go to class now.
Class is a thing of beauty. Noone makes fun of me and noone invades my personal space with their hygiene problems. I get 50 whole minutes to reflect on the subtle grace of statistics. Actually, statistics sucks ass. Seriously, it's like combining the tedium of mathematics and the low intellect requirement of a business class into one giant mass of suck.
Class is over. I return to the hell that is my apartment. I can feel it as soon as I walk in, an air of unholiness. Something terrible has happened here, something of unrelenting evil. BenT walks into the living room and all of my worst nightmares are realized.
James: Good moning BenT. You are looking lovely today.
BenT: Shut up, fag.
James: What's wrong, buddy?
BenT: I have to live with you.
James: You know what? I may not agree with what you say, but I will defend to the death your right to say it.
BenT: God dammit, you are such a loser.
James: Oh well, at least TC likes me
BenT: Actually, he doesn't. We took a vote while you were asleep last night. He said you were his 3rd favorite roomates. He hates you.
James: *Gasp* That cannot be!
BenT: Wanna bet? Sticky, get in here!
Sticky: Yeah, TC hates your guts.
James: Well, at least you like me, right?
Sticky: No.
James: Oh, I'm going to go to class now.
So I went to class. I knew they were lying, I've lived with TC for almost three years now. How could you hate a guy like me after getting to know me so well? It's unthinkable. Oh well, at least Math will treat me well. My professor arrives, he has graded homeworks. 5/15. Damn. I take a nap. He covers arithmatic in base 3. My soul withers away. I go home.
Blah blah blah, TC made a beautiful supper. Chicken or something. I ate it, and had some rolls. They were delicious. I fantasized about women. I think they thought I had gas. I hate them.
Later, I decided to visit my friend BenT's room to have some light post-dinner conversation. TC joined us. I confronted him about BenT's earlier assertion that I was his 3rd favorite roomates. I looked at Thomas. He brought up three fingers, but later clarified that it was code for "First in the Universe", one finger for the number 1, and the other two representing the U. What kind of a moron does he take me for? I flipped him off and gave him the stunner. Continuing my conversation with BenT, he then said that no woman could ever find me attractive because of my height. Actually, he never said that, but I could tell he was thinking it by the look in his eye. Bastard.
Then the kicker. I told you how everyone was jealous of my good looks, but, being the infinitely modest human being I am, I neglected to mention their jealousy of my braggably sizable manhood. BenT suggested that I am without manhood. Obviously, despite my near infinite patience, such comments cannot be allowed to stand. I ripped off my shirt right then and there, challenging him to a wrestling match to prove my manliness. Of course, he backed down and started to whimper. It made me sick to look at him, so I picked up my t-shirt and walked back to my room. On my way back I heard him mutter something to Stanley and then heard them laughing. Thomas makes a smart ass remark. I hate them. Good night.
Class is a thing of beauty. Noone makes fun of me and noone invades my personal space with their hygiene problems. I get 50 whole minutes to reflect on the subtle grace of statistics. Actually, statistics sucks ass. Seriously, it's like combining the tedium of mathematics and the low intellect requirement of a business class into one giant mass of suck.
Class is over. I return to the hell that is my apartment. I can feel it as soon as I walk in, an air of unholiness. Something terrible has happened here, something of unrelenting evil. BenT walks into the living room and all of my worst nightmares are realized.
James: Good moning BenT. You are looking lovely today.
BenT: Shut up, fag.
James: What's wrong, buddy?
BenT: I have to live with you.
James: You know what? I may not agree with what you say, but I will defend to the death your right to say it.
BenT: God dammit, you are such a loser.
James: Oh well, at least TC likes me
BenT: Actually, he doesn't. We took a vote while you were asleep last night. He said you were his 3rd favorite roomates. He hates you.
James: *Gasp* That cannot be!
BenT: Wanna bet? Sticky, get in here!
Sticky: Yeah, TC hates your guts.
James: Well, at least you like me, right?
Sticky: No.
James: Oh, I'm going to go to class now.
So I went to class. I knew they were lying, I've lived with TC for almost three years now. How could you hate a guy like me after getting to know me so well? It's unthinkable. Oh well, at least Math will treat me well. My professor arrives, he has graded homeworks. 5/15. Damn. I take a nap. He covers arithmatic in base 3. My soul withers away. I go home.
Blah blah blah, TC made a beautiful supper. Chicken or something. I ate it, and had some rolls. They were delicious. I fantasized about women. I think they thought I had gas. I hate them.
Later, I decided to visit my friend BenT's room to have some light post-dinner conversation. TC joined us. I confronted him about BenT's earlier assertion that I was his 3rd favorite roomates. I looked at Thomas. He brought up three fingers, but later clarified that it was code for "First in the Universe", one finger for the number 1, and the other two representing the U. What kind of a moron does he take me for? I flipped him off and gave him the stunner. Continuing my conversation with BenT, he then said that no woman could ever find me attractive because of my height. Actually, he never said that, but I could tell he was thinking it by the look in his eye. Bastard.
Then the kicker. I told you how everyone was jealous of my good looks, but, being the infinitely modest human being I am, I neglected to mention their jealousy of my braggably sizable manhood. BenT suggested that I am without manhood. Obviously, despite my near infinite patience, such comments cannot be allowed to stand. I ripped off my shirt right then and there, challenging him to a wrestling match to prove my manliness. Of course, he backed down and started to whimper. It made me sick to look at him, so I picked up my t-shirt and walked back to my room. On my way back I heard him mutter something to Stanley and then heard them laughing. Thomas makes a smart ass remark. I hate them. Good night.
Sunday, November 06, 2005
The Beginning
This is the story of how much my roommates hate me (among other things). It's very difficult being as beautiful of a man as I am; I cannot imagine how difficult it must be to live with me, always overshadowed by my perfect masculine figure, my quick wit, and my cunning intellect. Of course, this difficulty does not excuse the constant verbal and physical attacks on my person. However, being such a kind and forgiving man, I do not fight back. I allow these assaults to continue because I know that it is the only joy they have in their lives. But, this does not mean that I cannot expose their deeds for the world to see (read)!
Yes, my roommates hate me and never ignore an opportunity to stamp on my self esteem. The biggest offender would be BenT. He is a small, pitiful little man who gets his jollies by stepping on people smaller than him. Since there is noone smaller than him, he has to resort to stepping on me (Unfortunately, despite being physically perfect in every other way, I am the second shortest person in Ben's life). Let me describe to you a typical conversation between Ben and I.
Captain Sexy: Greetings, friend!
Ben: Screw you, hippie.
Captain Sexy: I do say, this Halloween candy is quite enjoyable, would you care to partake?
Ben: You asshole, I bought that candy.
Captain Sexy: Hey, go to hell. Do you want the candy or not.
Ben: Jesus Christ, Captain Sexy. You've been eating Halloween candy nonstop since Monday. You are such a fatass.
Captain Sexy: Please, I bet I weigh less than you.
Ben: Oh, yeah? Let's get a neutral, unbiased judge to determine who is lighter. But since none of those are around, I'll get TC. Yo, TC, get your bitch ass over here and pick me up.
TC: Okay (Picks up Ben, then picks up Captain Sexy)
TC: Sorry Captain Sexy, I'd have to say Ben is a little lighter.
Captain Sexy: Oh my god, I hate you both.
Ben: Yeah, we hate you too. Fatass.
So you can see, my roommates are assholes. That's why I eat their Halloween Candy and pee in their beds when they're not around. Anyway, here's a picture of Ben, in case you have no intention of eating for the next 8 hours. Good night, and I hate you all.
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